


Sucker Punch

by intangible_girl



Category: Avengers (2012), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Dissociative Episodes, Gen, Hydra (Marvel), Mental Health Issues, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, bucky is kind of a broken little duckling here, hydra is pretty evil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 16:45:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2117310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intangible_girl/pseuds/intangible_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky feels like his new life is pretty good, for the most part. Steve and Sam don't hit him, they don't make him kill anyone if he doesn't want to, and they don't treat him like an animal. </p><p>They don't give him any orders, either, though, and he can only go so long without eating.</p><p>(HYDRA never allowed Bucky any autonomy whatsoever regarding his own body, even down to telling him when and what and how much to eat, and he's finding it hard to adapt to being the captain of his own ship again, as it were. Sam and Steve notice and are promptly horrified.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sucker Punch

“ Please,” he finally has to say, “can't I eat?”

It's such a huge risk, and even as he says it he braces himself for the blow. But he hasn't really eaten in days and it's starting to interfere with mission readiness. He'd never have risked asking because of any mere discomfort (though he is quite hungry), but he doesn't want to compromise the mission because he's too weak and fatigued to function at peak efficiency. He doesn't have a mission, currently, because he's not with HYDRA anymore and Steve and Sam don't give him missions because they're his friends and apparently friends don't give each other missions, but they won't even let him  _eat_ and he's kind of pretty sure friends let friends eat?

The look Steve gives him is a blow he hadn't been able to brace himself for, because Steve can sucker punch people with his  _face_ . 

“Of course you can eat, Buck,” he says slowly, like Bucky's failed at something basic one too many times and he's about to break out the cattle prod. Bucky feels his eyes dart to the table where three large pizzas sit steaming, but he quickly schools his gaze back to Steve.

“Have some pizza, man,” Sam says, pushing one of the pies toward him invitingly. Bucky waits for Steve's nod of approval, and then takes a slice and eats it in three bites. Then he waits. If they are okay with feeding him then they will probably authorize him to eat the correct amount. He can be patient. They're being so kind, he doesn't even mind if they draw this out. His stomach growls and he pays it no mind.

“Do... you want some more?” Steve asks hesitantly, and Bucky feels his brain go white. 

_want do you want more some more do you want what do you want I don't want to fight you fight you my mission what do you want want some more do you want some more—_

“Whoa, hey there buddy, take it easy” Sam is saying, and Bucky snaps back to the kitchen to find both of them staring at him and his own heart racing. He takes deep breaths and waits.

“Bucky...” Steve says, his voice another blow. He sounds like he wants to cry. Bucky thinks he might want to cry, but the thought flits over the surface of his brain without landing because crying hasn't been an option for a long time. “You can eat more pizza if you want to.”

Bucky senses a trap. The Asset didn't want things, but he was often ascribed human-like qualities by his handlers, usually with an air of amusement or irony. Sam talks to his computer like it has a death wish on him. He asks it what it wants from him, and then he smacks it. Is he about to get smacked? He waits to find out.

After a long while Steve licks his lips uncertainly and glances at Sam, who is staring at Bucky with a hard, considering look. Sam gets up, and Bucky is proud of himself for not flinching.

“Bucky,” he says carefully, clearly, “Eat as much pizza as you need to feel full, okay? Steve and I are going to go have a little talk in the other room and then we'll be back.”

He takes Steve by the arm and marches him out of the room. So Sam is the one in charge? It's hard to tell sometimes. He'd thought it was Steve, being, well,  _Steve_ , and also because of the way Sam defers to him in matters of combat, but he lets Sam lead him out of the room almost docilely. Bucky puts it out of his mind and eats four more slices of pizza. He can hear the low murmur in the other room, but he can't make out any words and he doesn't try to. By the time Steve and Sam come back into the kitchen he's almost finished the entire pizza. Sam's face is blank, but Steve looks absolutely gutted. Bucky puts the crust he'd been about to take a bite out of down abruptly and leans away from the table. 

“Bucky,” Sam says firmly but softly. Steve comes in and leans against the counter, arms folded tightly across his stomach, eyes on the floor. Bucky gives Sam his full attention. “Are you waiting for us to tell you to eat?”

Bucky isn't sure what answer Sam is digging for, so he just nods, hoping the truth is good enough.

“And showering? And shaving? Are you waiting for us to tell you to do those too?”

Bucky nods again, slowly. He can't figure out where this is going, and he tries not to visibly brace himself. Having the obvious stated as questions often doesn't bode well for him.

Sam lets out a tiny sigh, one that wanted to be much bigger.

“James,” he says, and Bucky flinches, because James is someone else, James is a suave, loyal, funny person who died in 1945 and has an exhibit at the Smithsonian. “You don't have to wait for us to tell you to do things. No one's giving you orders anymore. No one's making you do anything you don't want to do.”

Bucky stares at him, his brain bleeding white. He can see Steve's face and it's harrowed, staring at the floor because he can't look at Bucky. He can't bear to watch Bucky get cut loose like this, and Bucky thinks it's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for him, look away while he's in pain rather than stare.

_you don't have to wait no one's giving you orders no one's making you do things no orders you don't have to wait for orders none are coming no one's going to give you orders anymore_

Bucky gets up and strides out of the room.

-

He makes it as far as the subway before he realizes this isn't going to work.

He knows how to use a subway, and he knows how to pick pockets for change. He knows how to blend into a crowd to avoid capture, but that's all with a mission objective and a safe house to find his way back to. Here and now? Should he bother trying to blend in or does that matter? He's wearing long sleeves and he keeps his hands in his pockets, but should he put his hood up or leave it? What train should he buy a ticket for? Should he even bother with a ticket, or should he just sneak on? Where is he going and what will he do when he gets there?

_what should I do what's my mission mission objective mission parameters mission report mission report I knew him I knew him I knew him—_

Steve jogs up from behind him, and when he folds Bucky into a hug Bucky lets him, so, so glad that it was just chain yanking and that they weren't actually going to let him leave. He'd messed up and they punished him and now he's going to do better and he won't have to figure out the subway all by himself.

“I'll do better,” he whispers, promising Steve this, because Steve is his friend and he doesn't hurt him when Bucky talks and it's better to say things to Steve when you can't see his face do that painfully happy thing that feels like a knife wound, and he can't see Steve's face right now because his own is pressed tightly into Steve's shoulder.

“You don't have to do better, Bucky,” Steve whispers back hoarsely, like he's crying, “you don't have to do anything, just, just don't go anywhere, okay? Don't go anywhere without me again. Don't go anywhere I can't go with you.”

He's not supposed to go anywhere without Steve. Okay. A mission. Good. Finally. He thinks to wonder if they're just throwing him a bone because they're nice but suddenly Bucky understands with insight that he's been slowly gaining and is proud to be developing that it's not really a mission at all: Steve just wants to make sure Bucky knows they aren't going use threatening to send him away as a punishment again. He hugs Steve back tightly, gratitude making his throat close up.

-

When they come in through the door Sam doesn't turn around at first. He waits until the door is closed, and then he slowly puts his hip against the counter and looks at Bucky.

“Bucky, from now on, you eat when you're hungry. You shower every day without being told. You... you got that?”

Bucky glances at Steve, and then nods once. Sam nods back.

“Good. We have a lot to talk about later, but let's just focus on that for now, okay?”

Bucky nods again, apprehensive about the mention of 'later,' which never bodes well. Steve squeezes his shoulder in camaraderie, giving him a painful smile. Bucky tries one of his own, still riding high on the knowledge that Steve is never going to use his worst fear against him again. A smile feels strange on his face, and he drops it before very long, but Steve's own smile deepens, and he shakes Bucky slightly, a gesture that doesn't even hurt.

Things are looking up, Bucky can feel it.

-

It turns out Sam meant he had to do  _everything_ by himself.

He has to shave and pick out his own clothes and eat three complete meals a day without prompting and it's just like being on mission except he  _has no parameters_ for _anything_ and it's hell, he doesn't know what to do and it's  _torture_ except... that's not right. Bucky watches himself freeze in the bathroom mirror, fingers frozen in the act of yanking on his hair because  _how is he supposed_ _to style it if he doesn't know what the mission parameters are_ , and he thinks, no, this isn't torture. This isn't hell. He knows what hell is, he's lived there, and this isn't it.

Without giving himself time to think he grabs his knife from where it's resting on the countertop in easy reach, pulls a chunk of his hair away from his head, and swipes at it. It hurts, a little, until the strands part with a soft ripping sound and he is holding a chunk of his hair in his hand and his brain goes absolutely white.

_..........._

He comes to himself when someone knocks on the door, and he flinches violently, torn between his instinct to climb out the window and his instinct to cower and take whatever punishment they give him.

Instead he opens the door, and stands there in a towel, stone still, a chunk of his own hair in his hand.

Steve raises an eyebrow but doesn't say anything for a moment. Bucky takes a deep breath and braces himself—but it's not the cowering, flinching readiness for a blow. They didn't give him any parameters _so this is technically within mission parameters, dammit._ He finds that he's vibrating with tension by the time Steve finally speaks.

“Are you going to leave it like that?” he asks, trying (and failing) to hide his amusement. Bucky glances at himself in the mirror and realizes that he's standing there with one lock of hair falling over his eye like always, the other eye now bare and bulging. He looks freakish and silly, and he huffs out a breath, something unpleasant unfurling in his stomach.

“No,” he says, and slams the door shut. He waits for it to be beaten down, and when, after five minutes, it isn't, he lets go of the lock of hair in his hand and takes hold of the other one still attached to his head.

It's embarrassment, he realizes as he carefully evens out his hair. He feels embarrassed.

-

_Epilogue_

Bucky is wearing a skirt.

It's a tasteful little pencil skirt with leggings (he's not stupid, he knows leg hair isn't seemly and he's not _waxing_ , thank you very much), but he still feels stupid. Steve keeps glancing at him, and then glancing away just as quickly, and he knows he's trying not to laugh at him, but Bucky is discovering that he has heretofore untapped wells of stubbornness, and he's not taking off the damn skirt. He picked it out, he tried it on, he waited for Steve to disapprove, and so far Steve hasn't, and Bucky is stubbornly waiting for him to break, because he refuses to be the one to break down first.

Steve is holding out remarkably well.

Tony Stark, who is visiting, keeps openly staring, and Bucky keeps feeling embarrassment every time he does, but he's found that it's actually quite pleasing to be in possession of his own body enough that he can feel embarrassment about it, and he feels free to glare at Stark every time he points that puzzled, disturbed look at Bucky's lower half.

Barton arrives, takes in Bucky and his attire, nods once, and heads to the kitchen.

“Barnes, you want a drink?” he calls, and Bucky feels a fierce pleasure in yelling back, “No!”

(He does want a drink, but that's not the point.)

  
  


 


End file.
